We Should Give Terminally Ill Cancer Patients the Option of Dying on Mars
Picture this: You're sitting in a sterile hospital room, the beep of machines your constant companion, when suddenly a wild-eyed doctor bursts in. "How'd you like to die on Mars?" he asks, eyebrows dancing like caffeinated caterpillars. Sounds like the setup for a bad joke, right? But hear me out, folks. This might just be the most brilliantly insane idea since someone looked at a cow and thought, "I'm gonna squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out."
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Mars? Isn't that just a big red desert with none of the amenities of Vegas?" Well, yes. But that's precisely the point. We're talking about giving terminally ill cancer patients the option to trade their final days of morphine drips and daytime TV for a one-way ticket to the Red Planet. It's like hospice care, but with more rocket fuel and less Jell-O.
Let's break this down, shall we? First off, we're dealing with folks who are already staring the Grim Reaper in his bony face. They've been given a death sentence that's about as negotiable as gravity. So why not give them the chance to flip the bird to cancer and say, "If I'm going out, I'm going out in style... on another freaking planet!"
But this isn't just about giving cancer patients a spectacular final view. Oh no, this is about science, baby! Think about it. We've been trying to figure out how to get humans to Mars for decades. The problem? Radiation. Lots of it. The kind that turns your DNA into cosmic coleslaw. But hey, guess who doesn't need to worry about long-term radiation effects? That's right, our terminally ill volunteers!
Now, before you accuse me of being callous, let me be clear: this would be entirely voluntary. We're not suggesting we strap unwilling patients to rockets like some sort of twisted make-a-wish program. This is about giving people a choice. A choice to be part of something bigger than themselves. To contribute to the advancement of human knowledge in their final days. To literally touch the face of another world before they shuffle off this mortal coil.
And let's not forget the psychological aspect. Imagine the boost in morale! Instead of spending their last days in a hospital bed, these brave souls would be training for space flight, learning to operate Mars rovers, and possibly even preparing to set up the first human settlement on another planet. Talk about going out with a bang!
But wait, there's more! Think of the reality TV potential. "Keeping Up With The Martians" - a show that follows our intrepid explorers as they navigate the challenges of living (and dying) on Mars. It's part science documentary, part existential drama, and all awesome. We could fund the entire Mars program with the ad revenue alone!
Now, I know some of you are sitting there, clutching your pearls, thinking this is all terribly morbid. But let's face it, death is coming for us all. Some of us just have a more pressing appointment. So why not give those with a limited time left the option to spend it pushing the boundaries of human exploration?
In the end, this isn't just about dying on Mars. It's about living on Mars, even if only for a short time. It's about facing the great unknown of death by charging headlong into the great unknown of space. It's about writing the final chapter of your life story with a plot twist so spectacular it would make M. Night Shyamalan jealous.
So I say, let's do it! Let's give terminally ill cancer patients the option of dying on Mars. Because in the face of inevitable death, the question shouldn't be "Why?", but "Why the hell not?" After all, if you have to exit stage left, why not make it the greatest stage in the solar system?